Five lesser-known facts about rejection letters

In honor of me receiving a fresh hot new rejection letter for one of my short stories today, I thought I'd present some of the results of my web research into the rejection letter phenomenom. Doo doooo doo doo doo. Phenomenon. Doo dooo doo do! Phenomenon...anyways.

1. Much like enemy attacks in Final Fantasy games, rejection letters actually cause you a certain number of hit points worth of damage. Lucky for you, this boosts your overdrive gauge which, when full, will allow you to unleash an ultimate attack, such as a stream of meteors, or really big tears that can strike down multiple foes.
   
2. In the movie National Treasure, Nicholas Cage found invisible ink in the Declaration of Independence that pointed him towards a vast underground treasure trove. Your rejection letters also come laden with invisible ink! The clues will lead you directly towards that stash of ice cream in your fridge that you get to break out just for special occasions, such as, the receiving of a rejection letter.
   
3. Rejection letters make great stocking stuffers.
   
4. Despite the seeming differences in the quality of the paper that rejection letters are printed on, all rejection letters are cut from the same wood from a secret tree in a magical forest that is constantly fed by the tears of rejected writers. Literary magazines meet at the tree once a year to pay homage to its bountiful, infinite harvest, and to bring home a fresh basket of pulp.
   
5. If you stack all of your rejection letters into a neat, tidy pile, and stand upon them, and gaze out from your newfound height, you still won't be tall enough to play in the NBA, so you might as well not quit your day job just yet, shorty.

(File under 'Snark', of course.)