"You come crash into me / And I come into you / In a boys dream," or "This website's updated by witches! / Witches / Witches 'n me"+

From The Guardian:

This week marks the beginning of a period of double ecstasy for Harry Potter junkies, myself included.... That said, I'm expecting the film - the Order of the Phoenix, which opens here tomorrow - to be a letdown.... [T]here has been a disappointing cowardice towards the darkness of the source material, with directors lightly rehashing its surface details....

My fantasy would be to see the series remade by David Lynch, complete with time shifts, character body-swaps and elliptical dialogue.... Best of all (and least likely) would be David Cronenberg, whose lurking homoeroticism and yuppie body horror would easily accommodate Rowling's nimble mix of genres.

Hell, better yet: let's let J. G. Ballard himself re-write the series. "The brooms were beautiful, crashing into each other, the perfect sociotechnological intersection of witchcraft and semen." I can sense the scar tissue forming on the young tykes' minds already.^*

Not that I have anything against the mechaplex that is Harry Potter. It's not about books, really, so it's not about me, right? But then, it's also not that I have much of anything for it, either. I guess it comes in useful, like, sometimes when I feel like my girlfriend is starting to respect me a little, I idly threaten that I'm going to start reading the series, just so she'll give me that look, the one that lets me know that I've knocked myself back down in her eyes. Back down to a safer level, I mean. It's better for both of us: anything that lowers my chances of disappointing her is okay by me.

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⁺ Ryan Adams dot com, motherfucker!

^* Actually, not so much. I had this whole long parody in mind, I was going to re-read Crash and find the best scenes and re-write them all Harry Potter-themed, but then I remembered that this is the Internet, and that the aforementioned young tykes have probably already done it themselves, but for keeps, and I quickly placed a piece of black tape on my monitor over the Google search bar in Firefox, because out of sight, out of mind. Right? Oh God, I hope so.